Sibling rivalry and favouratism

  

For many years I have thought and read about parent favouritism and sibling rivalry. I firmly believe that sibling rivalry is often caused by a parent’s behaviour towards the siblings and possible how they share time with their children

Your one child may feel (perceive) that he or she is not receiving equitable treatment. I know what will happen when you read this. There is immediate denial. You may say I treat my children the same but what they perceive and feel is important and you are the grown up and it is your responsibility to rectify the situation. The fact is that they may not need the same treatment.

1. DISCIPLINING (PUNISHMENT). The first thing I want to ask you is that you, as a parent, take stock of how you dole out discipline (punishment), reward, quality time, etc. Take notes about how you react to both/all your children’s behaviour. This is where many problems have their origin.
2. HUGGING AND KISSING AND LOVE. Did you hug your child at least three times to-day? A father may feel very loving and protective towards his younger boy and may be hugging and kissing that boy – my baby my banana and the older one will stand looking on. On second thought the father may feel he must hug this one too. This is the older one and for this one there may be some bad teasing involved, tickling for instance, and that child may hate it. He also wants to be cuddled and hugged without any strings attached. It is for the parent to understand each child’s specific needs.
3. PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP WITH EACH CHILD. In to-day’s busy life, you as a parent may have very little time to give individual attention to each child, to spend quality time with each child. You have to ensure that you spend quality time with each of them. You have to plan it on a weekly basis as you plan your other activities. If you have only 2 children, you may, for instance, spend every Saturday from 11h00 to 13h00 with one child and your husband/wife with the other – or go to bioscope with them on a Saturday afternoon.  Your child is your first responsibility and as you plan to go to home cell on a Wednesday night and nothing will prevent you from going, in the same manner you should plan time with each child and also have family time together. (For this last one read No. 5)
4. TRAITS AND TALENTS. How do you react towards their abilities?  At a very young age, children will start to display unique traits and talents, and often parents will favour certain traits (athleticism, artistic creativity, humor) over others. Part of fair treatment is to encourage and develop positive traits in your children, regardless of whether you share a personal interest. If your child’s interest is music, for example, you don’t have to have a musical bone your body to encourage them to practice and hone that skill.
5. TIME AND ATTENTION. (Link to relationship) Perhaps it is time to-day to reevaluate how you share time with your children. When last did you play games with your children? When last did you go cycling or fishing? When last did you have a day out from disciplining – just fun and jokes. And remember that attention isn’t a commodity that can be dished out in equal portions. Some children may have emotional and other developmental needs that require more attention — favouritism is when one child receives more positive treatment than others or when you listen to one child’s complaints about the other one without hearing the other one. Once when I was presenting a parenting course we the parents decided that when one child complains about another child’s behaviour a family meeting should be held and it should take the form of a court.
6. POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT Some children  know how to get what they want and if he/she is the favourite one even more so.

It is easy to underestimate a child’s ability to manipulate their parents and siblings. Children have an innate sense of how to push their parents’ buttons, whether it is by directing attention away from another sibling, or goading a parent into giving them negative attention.

Identify the behavior and determine what motivates your child. If they are thirsting for a boost in self-esteem, then help them develop their talents, and encourage them with positive reinforcement; if they are feeling jealous when a new sibling is added to the family, ensure that they are part of the child-rearing process.

With a little effort and introspection, children will see that regardless of whom mommy and daddy give attention to, there is enough love to go around. Help your child to feel secure with both parents.

For children, affection and attention from mommy and daddy is their whole world, so it can be complicated when they feel like they aren’t getting their fair share. Even as parents strive to give equal treatment to siblings, sometimes they will show favoritism.

Regardless of your children’s different behaviors and personalities, it is possible to avoid favoritism, and help each child feel like they are getting the positive attention they deserve.

Favouratism : From a young age, many children see their siblings as a roadblock to time with mom and dad, or a roadblock to what they want. When they are persistently battling with their sibling(s), it may indicate sibling rivalry, a habit that can have negative effects on sibling relationships and the family dynamics.

Parents have a tool to battle sibling rivalry — reason. Rather than simply punishing children when they get jealous, melt down, or tease and pick on their siblings, target the root cause of the behavior — your child’s perception that you are favouring another sibling, this is what needs attention.

·                     Don’t engage in the behavior. Problems of sibling rivalry cannot be solved during the fight. (Of course, exceptions are in order when fighting escalates.)

·                     Don’t take sides ... encourage your children to work out their problems constructively.

·                     When the fighting is over, talk about it. Without assigning blame,       teach your children problem-solving skills for the future, and teach them respect for the other sibling’s perspective.

·                     Look at yourself. When a child is competing with a sibling for your attention, perhaps it is a sign that you need to re-evaluate your love and attention.

YOU HAVE TO HELP YOUR CHILD OVERCOME THE PERCEPTION THAT YOU LOVE THE OTHER ONE MORE. As aid earlier this can happen through love and attention and a good relationship with each child.

For children, affection and attention from mommy and daddy is their whole world, so it can be complicated when they feel like they aren’t getting their fair share. Even as parents strive to give equal treatment to siblings, sometimes they will show favouritism.

Regardless of your children’s different behaviours and personalities, it is possible to avoid rivalry and favouritism, and help each child feel like they are getting the positive attention they deserve.