Thursday, December 30, 2010

You are yiour childs best role model.

Children - teenagers as well as youngsters - naturally look for role models to shape their attitudes and behaviours. As parents, it is important for us to make sure that they have plenty of positive role models.I see so many negative words  spoken over children.

There are enough negative role models surrounding our children - and much of the adult world, if not negative, is at best apathetic and mediocre. If we don't actively focus on positive role models, then these other ones can dampen our children's natural enthusiasm and optimism.

The first thing to remember about positive role models for your child is that  the overwhelming majority of children consider their own parents to be their most important role models. So the most important thing to focus on is being a great, positive role model yourself. I often see parents smoking and then they do not want their children to smoke.

No printed word, nor spoken plea can teach young minds what they should be. Not all the books on all the shelves - but what the teachers are themselves." --Rudyard Kipling 

Monday, December 27, 2010

The 6 As and 4 Cs in Parenting


Ephesians 6:4 Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.
  • Acceptance helps a child feel Secure
  • Appreciation and affirmation help a child feel Significant
  • Affection helps a child feel Lovable
  • Availability helps a child feel Important
  • Accountability helps a child learn Self-Control
  • Authority helps a child learn to Obey and make Wise Choices.

THE FOUR C’S IN DISCIPLINING.

Calm
Stay calm. Often easier said than done but if we want to be effective and diffuse a situation it is essential.
Having worked with hundreds of house parents over the years, here are some of the ways that have worked for others
  • Take time to breath. In for a count of 7, hold for 7, breathe out for 7 and then hold the pause before your next breath for 7. Unless it is a real emergency where you need to act swiftly, this is one of the most effective ways of stopping yourself from ‘reacting’ and allows you those few moments to pause so you can then ‘respond’ to the situation instead.

Connect
Connect with the child in whatever way you can. Children under 6 are usually less than 3 and a half foot in height. Most adults are 5ft or over. So it makes sense that we should sit, hunch or come down to their level so that we are not overpowering them and so that we can connect with them.

Eye contact where possible is very effective (for anyone with teenagers please ignore that last statement as if you are trying to make eye contact with a teenager they are likely to think you are freaky and run a mile-much better at that stage to be side by side in the car or somewhere like that!!)
Give them and the situation your undivided attention.

Clear & Concise
Keep your message clear and concise. Explanations are important in giving children a context for something or engaging co-operation. However, in the event of a challenging situation (or where they already have the information) it is best to keep it simple.
It is easy for us to get lost in dealing with the behaviour or response we are getting and loose sight of the original message.
If you have a child who is very persistent, stick to one or two words. Bed time !     Bed time. Bed time now!

Consistent
Know what your HOUSE rules or boundaries are and communicate them at a time when all is calm. If they are broken, restate the boundary and what the consequences will be if  it happens again. If it does happen again, apply the consequences. Be consistent. Do it calmly whilst connecting with them and restating clearly and concisely why the consequences are being applied.

Sibling rivalry


Bob Lancer wrote the following on sibling rivalry. It is from a different point of view but I am of the opinion that there is much that we can learn from him.
The troubling environmental influences that cause or contribute to child behaviour problems in general negatively impact the ways that siblings relate with one another. These include the following 7:
1. Marital discord
2. An unstable routine
3. Much stress, unhappiness, impatience or emotional explosiveness expressing from a parent or other member of the household
4. A parent who seems emotionally absent or inaccessible
5. Routinely modeling inappropriate behavior that you do not wish the child to repeat
6. Situations in which the child receives inadequate supervision
7. Reacting too critically or harshly toward the child
If your siblings display ugly sibling rivalry, look over the above list to see where you can begin making some improvements. You will find it virtually impossible to improve the way your children treat one another in a context of these influences.
You can always make some degree of improvement. Sometimes it amounts to very little. Sometimes, the best you can do is to improve your way of accepting the way things are. Whatever degree of improvement you can make, though, is worth the effort, because it produces positive change and leads to more opportunities.
So begin your work on improving how your children get along by working on their surrounding influences. While this may seem like an indirect path to progress it actually addresses the root causes of the problem.
Do you yell at your siblings to stop them from yelling at one another? Do you lose your composure and react with much frustration when they lose their patience with one another? Do you harshly criticize your children, injuring their self-esteem, when they viciously attack one another? These are examples of how we parents undermine our efforts to improve child behavior by modeling the very behavior problems that we want our children to change.
While you are not entirely responsible for the way things are in your life, your results in all areas are, at least to some extent, a product of how you think, feel, speak and act. Until you improve how you function, you cannot improve your results in any area of life, including with your children. As long as you continue reacting in the same habitual ways, you must continue feeling trapped in the same disappointing results.
Your 7-Point Take Away
Here is your 7-point take away to begin improving the way your siblings get along. It amounts to turning the lists of 7 negative influences that open this article into 7 target-areas to work on. If you cannot seem to change things in these target-areas, you can at least improve the way that you accept the way things are. If you see no way to make any improvement, you are probably insisting on making more change than is possible, and overlooking or disregarding the tiny increments of improvement that really are achievable.
1. Improve your way of relating with your spouse (or ex-spouse).
2. Bring a more stable routine into your children's lives.
3. Practice handling everything with more peace and poise, and with less stress, unhappiness, impatience or emotional explosiveness.
4. Work on connecting with your children in a more loving, sensitive, aware way.
5. Look for ways that you inappropriate behavior that you do not wish your child to repeat, and replace those with a higher level of functioning.
6. Pay closer attention to your children before their behavior drifts into problematic patterns.
7. Replace any critical or harsh ways that you have been reacting toward the child with more calm and compassionate modes of leadership.

I want to add that every child needs boundaries and a mother, father or parents  who are very consistent, calm but firm in this regard.. 



Sibling rivalry and favouratism


  
For many years I have thought and read about parent favouritism and sibling rivalry. I firmly believe that sibling rivalry is often caused by a parent’s behaviour towards the siblings and possible how they share time with their children
Your one child may feel (perceive) that he or she is not receiving equitable treatment. I know what will happen when you read this. There is immediate denial. You may say I treat my children the same but what they perceive and feel is important and you are the grown up and it is your responsibility to rectify the situation. The fact is that they may not need the same treatment.
  1. DISCIPLINING (PUNISHMENT). The first thing I want to ask you is that you, as a parent, take stock of how you dole out discipline (punishment), reward, quality time, etc. Take notes about how you react to both/all your children’s behaviour. This is where many problems have their origin.
  2. HUGGING AND KISSING AND LOVE. Did you hug your child at least three times to-day? A father may feel very loving and protective towards his younger boy and may be hugging and kissing that boy – my baby my banana and the older one will stand looking on. On second thought the father may feel he must hug this one too. This is the older one and for this one there may be some bad teasing involved, tickling for instance, and that child may hate it. He also wants to be cuddled and hugged without any strings attached. It is for the parent to understand each child’s specific needs.
  3. PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP WITH EACH CHILD. In to-day’s busy life, you as a parent may have very little time to give individual attention to each child, to spend quality time with each child. You have to ensure that you spend quality time with each of them. You have to plan it on a weekly basis as you plan your other activities. If you have only 2 children, you may, for instance, spend every Saturday from 11h00 to 13h00 with one child and your husband/wife with the other – or go to bioscope with them on a Saturday afternoon.  Your child is your first responsibility and as you plan to go to home cell on a Wednesday night and nothing will prevent you from going, in the same manner you should plan time with each child and also have family time together. (For this last one read No. 5)
  4. TRAITS AND TALENTS. How do you react towards their abilities?  At a very young age, children will start to display unique traits and talents, and often parents will favour certain traits (athleticism, artistic creativity, humor) over others. Part of fair treatment is to encourage and develop positive traits in your children, regardless of whether you share a personal interest. If your child’s interest is music, for example, you don’t have to have a musical bone your body to encourage them to practice and hone that skill.
  5. TIME AND ATTENTION. (Link to relationship) Perhaps it is time to-day to reevaluate how you share time with your children. When last did you play games with your children? When last did you go cycling or fishing? When last did you have a day out from disciplining – just fun and jokes. And remember that attention isn’t a commodity that can be dished out in equal portions. Some children may have emotional and other developmental needs that require more attention — favouritism is when one child receives more positive treatment than others or when you listen to one child’s complaints about the other one without hearing the other one. Once when I was presenting a parenting course we the parents decided that when one child complains about another child’s behaviour a family meeting should be held and it should take the form of a court.
  6. POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT Some children  know how to get what they want and if he/she is the favourite one even more so.
It is easy to underestimate a child’s ability to manipulate their parents and siblings. Children have an innate sense of how to push their parents’ buttons, whether it is by directing attention away from another sibling, or goading a parent into giving them negative attention.
Identify the behavior and determine what motivates your child. If they are thirsting for a boost in self-esteem, then help them develop their talents, and encourage them with positive reinforcement; if they are feeling jealous when a new sibling is added to the family, ensure that they are part of the child-rearing process.
With a little effort and introspection, children will see that regardless of whom mommy and daddy give attention to, there is enough love to go around. Help your child to feel secure with both parents.
For children, affection and attention from mommy and daddy is their whole world, so it can be complicated when they feel like they aren’t getting their fair share. Even as parents strive to give equal treatment to siblings, sometimes they will show favoritism.
Regardless of your children’s different behaviors and personalities, it is possible to avoid favoritism, and help each child feel like they are getting the positive attention they deserve.
Favouratism : From a young age, many children see their siblings as a roadblock to time with mom and dad, or a roadblock to what they want. When they are persistently battling with their sibling(s), it may indicate sibling rivalry, a habit that can have negative effects on sibling relationships and the family dynamics.
Parents have a tool to battle sibling rivalry — reason. Rather than simply punishing children when they get jealous, melt down, or tease and pick on their siblings, target the root cause of the behavior — your child’s perception that you are favouring another sibling, this is what needs attention.
·                     Don’t engage in the behavior. Problems of sibling rivalry cannot be solved during the fight. (Of course, exceptions are in order when fighting escalates.)
·                     Don’t take sides ... encourage your children to work out their problems constructively.
·                     When the fighting is over, talk about it. Without assigning blame,       teach your children problem-solving skills for the future, and teach them respect for the other sibling’s perspective.
·                     Look at yourself. When a child is competing with a sibling for your attention, perhaps it is a sign that you need to re-evaluate your love and attention.
YOU HAVE TO HELP YOUR CHILD OVERCOME THE PERCEPTION THAT YOU LOVE THE OTHER ONE MORE. As aid earlier this can happen through love and attention and a good relationship with each child.
For children, affection and attention from mommy and daddy is their whole world, so it can be complicated when they feel like they aren’t getting their fair share. Even as parents strive to give equal treatment to siblings, sometimes they will show favouritism.
Regardless of your children’s different behaviours and personalities, it is possible to avoid rivalry and favouritism, and help each child feel like they are getting the positive attention they deserve.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

The diagnosis


The tests  came back and it is malignant. It is the doctor speaking. I look at my daughter, Irene. It is cancer! What a sentence – a death sentence!!
I am alone at home. It is night! Everything is black around me! I have cancer – pitch black and bitter like gall or aloes in Afrikaans galbitter.
Pikswart en galbitter!. I have never in all my 73 years given one thought about cancer. I never considered the possibility that I could get cancer.  Daphne’s sister Esther told me that when they told her that she has cancer she said that her God is greater than cancer. And I pray, Lord God Almighty, I place my life in your hands. I asked for healing complete healing of cancer. Jesus died on the cross so that I can be healed.  
What is cancer then Cancer can be defined as any malignant growth or tumour caused by abnormal and uncontrolled cell division; it may spread to other parts of the body through the lymphatic system or the blood stream. Mine is through the lymphatic system.
What is breast cancer? From the Internet) To begin with, each breast is made up of glands, ducts (thin tubes) and fatty tissue. Groups of glands that produce milk are called lobules. Milk is transported from the lobules to the nipple through a network of ducts. Fatty tissue surrounds the lobules and ducts to protect them. When the DNA from a cell in one of these areas is damaged or changed and grows out of control, a malignant tumour may form. This is breast cancer.
The most common types of breast cancer starts in the ducts
(ductal carcinoma). This is the cancer in my body.
This cancer situation is a very humbling expersience. I don’t always know who I am. This strong woman, with a passion for children, has cancer. I am so weak and vulnerable.

I received a word from a prophet. As Jacob fought against the Angel, so must I fight against the cancer. Gen 32 verses 25, 26. That night Jacob went off by himself to think of the things he had done in the past. While he was alone, a man came and wrestled with him until the break of day. Then Jacob learned that the man he had wrestled with was an angel of God. The angel said to Jacob. "Because you have accepted the challenge to fight and have not given up, you have earned God's favour." Then the angel changed Jacob's name to Israel, a name meaning "He who struggles with God" or "The Reliable One."  Johan Janse van Rensburg, prayed for me, a whole night long and he received the abovementioned verse for me.
So, I will not give up, I will fight with my hand in Jesus hand and clinging to God’s leg. I have so many people in South Africa praying for me, I have so very many people in The Netherlands and also in Spain praying for me and lighting candles for me. Anneke is even coming over to visit me. My son Dirk came from Australia. I have all my children here visiting me.  I am so blessed.

The child with Emotional Intelligence.


SELF CONTROL, CALM AND BEING IN CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE.
When the mind is calm, when you feel good about yourself and there is little stress in your life, your working memory functions at its best.  This means that the child with EI will be able to use his IQ well and perform in exams and in other fields. EI helps a person and will help a child perform better in all spheres of life. Emotional intelligence will determine how a child uses his IQ. Parent, a child with emotional intelligence will improve in all spheres of functioning.
It is a parenting responsibility to coach your child to manage impulsive feelings and distressing emotions well. in early childhood already parents should talk about feelings, recognize feelings and teach them the marshmallow principle, help them to understand the benefit of waiting in order to get a better deal.
Parents must coach their children how to handle pain. A child must know that all won’t go well always. There will be disappointments and hurt. Friends will disappointment them. It is this strength that a child needs coaching in before they are teenagers.
PERSONAL POWER.
Emotional Intelligence goes hand in hand with personal power. As you help your child to mature emotionally help him to believe in himself. It is that belief that will give him personal power. As the child mature emotionally, she  will develop self-knowledge and non-aggressive self-assertiveness. These children will have the courage to take risks, to be unique, to be themselves and to love themselves and others.  They also have the endurance and resilience to see failures and problems as challenges or a learning process.
UNDISCOVERED ABILITIES AND RESOURCES.
EI will help your child discover more abilities and resources in himself or herself. This is when creativity blooms. The parent can help the child come to the belief that in him is an undiscovered genius and much undeveloped potential. The parent will take the pressure off performance and help the child that  he/she matters and not his/her performance.
LEAD YOUR CHILD TO CHRIST.
Kerry Southey visited our church a few months before her death. She told us that her children accepted the Lord at pre-school age. She also told us about a little one of three years old who spoke in tongues. Arnold Mol’s three children made a commitment before they were of school going age.
It is very easy to teach your children about God in their pre-school years. It is a time when they are very receptive.  Lay a foundation in them that they are loved and cared for by you their parent and also by our heavenly Father, who is a powerful God. You will be building a foundation of love in their lives by nurturing them. Christ, during his walk on earth, modeled all the abilities of a person with emotional intelligence.
EQ AND IQ
Research has shown that we have two brains: the old primitive part of the brain where emotions are centered and then the cortex, a huge mass of awesome processing power. The whole idea of emotional intelligence is to get these two parts to interact. Emotional intelligence is as important or even more important than IQ. The person with emotional intelligence will use his IQ correctly and to his own benefit. He will be able to function at peak performance and be successful in life. Emotional intelligence can be learnt and developed.   

CONCLUSION
The family forms the cornerstone of any community. Healthy families will ensure healthy communities. The family is the single most important factor in the moulding of a person. It prepares a child to reach for her/his ultimate potential and more important his God ordained destiny, or it cripples him to such an extent that his self-image is negative and he never reaches his destiny. Parents, this great responsibility rests on your shoulders. It is your responsibility to shape and train and prepare them. Take the challenge and assist your child to develop emotional intelligence, enabling him to reach his full potential. Love your child unconditionally. Have fun. Pray for your child.