Eleven things you never say to anyone as explained by Dr. George Thompson.
About five years ago I did the Responsibility Pathways Course with Lesley du Toit and Larry Brendtro. They quoted what Dr. George Thompson said in 1993. Dr Thompson writes about, and coaches people, in the art of communication. He starts off by asking the following
How often do you find yourself misunderstood, frustrated, and on the losing end of an argument? Sometimes? Most of the time? All the time? If a large percentage of your success in life depends on your success in conversation, wouldn’t you like 'never' to be your answer? Do you have a plan ready when you find yourself confronting an adversary at work? At home? On a dark street at night? Or do you just react from habit or emotion?
As Dr. George Thompson says, 'When you react, the event controls you. When you respond, you’re in control.' Whether at home or in the office boardroom, He calls the art of communication Verbal Judo. Verbal Judo can show you how to be better prepared in every verbal encounter. Thompson teaches people how to listen and speak more effectively; how to engage people through empathy (the most powerful word in the English language); how to avoid the most common conversational disasters; and how to have a proven, easily remembered strategy that will allow you successfully to communicate your point of view and make your children we both win. You make them feel good when you state your case.
These are the eleven things that Brendtro and du Toit quoted from Thompson and I believe that parents can learn a lot from this:
11 things never to say to your children, your wife or husband, friends, people you are counselling:
1. “Come here” This actually means run away.
2. “You would not understand” Sounds like you think the person is stupid
3. “Because those are the rules” Or “because I say so” I heard a Dad saying this the other day and I thought it would have taken him one minute to explain why he made the rule and he would have had two very happy children instead of two children who are very upset for being shut-up. If you are enforcing rules that exist for good reason, don’t be afraid to explain that! Your children may like it, but at least they have been honoured with an explanation. Note, a true sign of RESPECT is to tell CHILDREN/people why, and telling children why generates voluntary compliance. Indeed, we know that at least 70% of resistant or difficult children will do what you want them to do if you will just tell them why!
4. “Its none of your business”
5. What do you want me to do about it” A great cop-out!! This pseudo-question, always accompanied by sarcasm, is clearly an evasion of responsibility and a clear sign of a lack of creativity! The phrase really reveals the speaker’s exasperation and lack of knowledge. When you say, “What do you want me to do about it?” you can count on two problems: the one you started with and the one you just created by appearing to duck responsibility. .Instead, tactically offer to help sort out the problem and work toward a solution. If it truly is not in your area of responsibility, point the subject to the right department or persons that might be able to solve the problem.
6. “Calm down” This is such a big no- no for saying to an ADHD child, actually to any person. What's wrong with it? One, the phrase is a criticism of their behaviour and suggests that they have no legitimate right to be upset! Hence, rather than reassuring them that things will improve, which should be your goal, you have created a new problem! Not only is there the matter they were upset about to begin with, but now they need to defend their reaction to you! Double the trouble!
Better, put on a calming face look the person in the eye and say, gently, "It's going to be all right. Talk to me. What's the matter?" The phrase "What's the matter?' softens the person up to talk and calm down; where 'Calm down' hardens the resistance. The choice is yours!
7. “What’s your problem” This snotty, useless phrase turns the problem back on the person needing assistance. It signals this is a “you-versus-me” battle rather than an “us” discussion.
8. “You never” or “You always”
9. I am not going to say this again” Parents do it all the time with their kids, and street cops do it with resistant subjects, all the time! The phrase is, of course, a threat, and voicing it leaves you only one viable option-action! If you are not prepared to act, or cannot at the time, you lose credibility, and with the loss of creditability comes the loss of power and safety! If you want to stress the seriousness of your words, say something like, 'Listen, it's important that you get this point, so pay close attention to what I'm about to tell you.
'10. "I am doing this for your good”
11. “Why don’t you be reasonable? Telling people "be more reasonable" has many of the same problems as "Calm Down!" Everyone thinks h/she is plenty reasonable given the present circumstances! I never have had anyone run up to me and say, "Hey, I know I'm stupid and wrong, but here's what I think!" although I have been confronted by stupid and wrong people! You only invite conflict when you tell people to "be more reasonable!"
Instead, make people more reasonable by the way in which you handle them, tactically! Use the language of reassurance-"Let me see if I understand your position," and then paraphrase-another VJ tactic!-back to them their meaning, as you see it, in your words! Using your words will calm them and make them more reasonable because your words will (or better be!) more professional and less emotional.
This approach absorbs the other's tension and makes him feel your support. Now you can help them think more logically and less destructively, without making the insulting charge implied in your statement, "Be more reasonable!"
Dr Thompson always emphasises tactics. Again, tactics over natural reaction! Remember, insult strengthens resistance and shuts the eyes. Civility weakens resistance and opens the eyes!
It’s tactical to be nice and to have empathy!
